Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Once upon a time...


"Excuse me, miss, but are you Arabic?"

Startled by the approach of a stranger in the cereal and granola aisle of my local mass-market retail store (can you guess which one?), I quickly turned to see the person who was addressing me. The middle-aged foreign man standing before me appeared gentle and friendly. He was dressed in a white cotton shirt, and pale beige pants which emphasized his dark skin. His hair was neatly trimmed, mostly black, but showing some gray along his temples.

Smiling, I replied, "No, I'm not Arabic." I wondered why he would have thought I could possibly be Arabic, as I don't believe I have the physical characteristics of a typical Arabic person. Blue eyes, curly auburn hair, and a complexion as white as a daisy petal is certainly not common amongst Arabic people. Perhaps not impossible, but definitely improbable.

Still, the man persisted in his odd questions. "You cannot be from here? You do not dress as they do here....you are not wearing trousers. No, you wear the long and flowing skirt of a princess! In my country, you would be a princess."

Feeling the heat of embarrassment rise to color my cheeks, I politely thanked him for his compliments and turned to select my box of granola from the shelf. "Please. Allow me," he grasped the coveted package from up above and placed it into my hands.

"Thank you," said I, and again I made my attempt at leaving. I could hear the foreign man's footsteps close behind me. "Miss, may I ask if you are married? Have you any children?", he continued after me.

"Yes, yes I am married," I spoke the half-truth, thinking to myself that my divorce is nearly final. "And yes, I do have a child."

"Ah, that is too bad. You see, I was hoping to invite you to a nice meal. Please, say to your husband that he must always treat you as a princess!" he smiled and bowed, revealing the gleam of his very white teeth.

His comments struck me as quite strange, and I laughed. What if my husband had treated me like a princess? Would that have changed anything? No, I do not need nor wish to be treated as a princess. All I need is to be loved and appreciated for who I am, not for someone or something I am not.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

if on a winter's night...


On nights like this, I miss you the most.


The black sky is lit only by the crescent moon, a final sliver before becoming new again.


I long to be with you, our bodies entwined beneath a cloud of covers, eyes flash in a flurry of passion.


The window by the bed is frosted from our exhalations.


Wilted with exhaustion, we lie spent side-by-side.


Our fingers are still tangled together, the light of our love casts its glow around the room.


Your whispered words echo in my mind....

spiral


mind deranged, life rearranged


coupled with the complex cluster


only now, lacking luster


between the shadows and the light


dark as the sky on a moonless night


downward spin, search for you again

fast-forward to yesterday


life appears so simple, yet it's complicated.


some lives become so faded


and other lives grow dim, dark as the eyes of the dead.


how do we arrive at this place


looking like a soul without a face?

only one


hesperides guarding golden fruits


dragon sleeping at the roots


mystical magical majestic tree


leaves and limbs loom over me

faded fate


poisoned and pale

fragile and frail

forgotten fish

once young, now so old

swirling in a fractured bowl

water of life drains away

pools below in clouds of gray

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

snowblind


powdered pearls fall from the heavens

flakes of snow like feathers on the wind

fleeting beauty - so delicate and temporary

gone in the blink of an eye

like life itself

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

downfall


night is folding in, holding me in


dark embrace, soul with no face


blackness sinking, emptiness shrinking


nameless void, voices devoid


time waits for none, time i cannot shun


thoughts of hope, slipping down the slope


don't look back, won't go back


only down ever still, wander on, always will....

heartfelt



skeleton key swings from a thread in my hand.
rain is drenching through and the sun is missing again.

december day is bleak, winter wind wailing at the door.
hologram heart is full of holes, a stone washed upon the shore.

looking through the holes, what do you see?
nothing whole, a shell which once was me.

nothing left, a shadow broken there.
a light across the floor, dust floating through the air.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

november night


you stoke the fire as my brush strokes the canvas
two souls burn with desire since that kiss on the campus
the last glow of the evening fades into the night
winter stars are shining and shimmering their light
as loneliness comes creepin' in.

mountains apart and the miles, they span between us
i keep you wrapped in my heart as gravity enfolds us
the november winds, now they are a-blowin'
and the river of time, it shows no sign of slowin'
then loneliness comes creepin' in.

lying here without you, this bed just feels so cold
absence makes the heart grow fonder, or so i've been told
counting down the days until we can be together
life goes by in the blink of an eye compared with forever
but for now, loneliness comes creepin' in.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Feathers and Stones


I have seen your feathers and stones in my dreams.

Sometimes they hang down from the stars,
and sometimes they appear to float as leaves on a stream.

The light plays upon the feathers and stones,
casting shadows onto the surface below.

As I walk between the shadows,
above me appears a web woven of golden thread.

With the tips of my fingers, I reach up to feel the delicate web.

Instead of the web, my fingertips touch your hands....

Bent. Betrayed. Broken.


Bent. Betrayed. Broken.


I lie abandoned in the wake of your flood,
entombed by the memories you have left me.


A scattering of ashes from the flame of love we once shared.


My fear was that I would awaken from this dream of being with you.


Now, I find myself alone inside the nightmare of my life,
hopes and dreams razed to a pile of rubble beneath my feet.


Bent. Betrayed. Broken.


Gone are the days of up the hill and down the hill and up the hill.


The second breakfasts of Saturdays are now long past.


No future memories to be made on those autumn days,
whispering on the porch swing together.


No lit candles of Michaelmas nor wanderings through the Christmas villages.


No meteorites zipping past as we lie and laugh in the cool mountain air.


Bent. Betrayed. Broken.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

The Gift


Longer do the shadows grow,


As the sun is slowly sinking low.


The clouds are edged in gold,


Like a ribbon on a gift you can never hold....

One Fish, Two Fish, COPD Fish....


Last night, I ended up retiring to bed far later than I should have, but I kind of avoid going to bed when I have a lot on my mind. After filling my evening with various activities around the house (i.e. emptying the dishwasher, doing laundry, rearranging some stuff), I finally dragged myself to bed around 2AM. I nestled myself under a mountain of sheets, quilts, blankets (yeah...I get REALLY cold, and I think my body's thermostat is either malfunctioning or missing...) and turned out the lights.

Lulled gently to sleep by the ambient trill of crickets on my iPod, I was set adrift amidst a sea of dreams.

That is, until I was awakened.... No, it wasn't something outside, nor a restless spirit who wandered in from out in the cemetery beyond my yard. It was something much closer, and much more bizarre. A coughing fish. That's right, my fish has developed a cough! Can you believe that a fish can cough?! I turned on the night-light beside the dresser, and peered into the little fish bowl where my nameless Siamese Betta lives, and there he was: coughing his little head off. I spoke gently to him, trying to calm him down. Finally, he appeared to regain his composure as he proceeded to beg me for a freeze-dried worm. Crazy fish! Tonight, my nameless Betta shall find himself sleeping somewhere other than my dresser....

Saturday, October 13, 2007

What, exactly, do you have in mend?


Push. Pull. Prod.

Stretch. Release. Retract.

Bend, crease, fold.

Finally, a fracture appears at the fold. Will it crack and break completely, sheared off in one clean line? Or jagged and irregular, like a laceration?

Maybe this can be fixed. Mended somehow. Can a badly abused heart even BE mended? What do you use, double-sided tape? Super Glue? Rubber cement? Bondo? Needle and thread? Denture adhesive?

Echoes


Unanswered questions surround me, echoes within a dark cavern of shadows.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Love


Love.

The most basic need a human being has.

Love is everywhere, surrounding us like the very air we breathe.

And yet, it seems, so very hard to find. Or at least pretty difficult to keep around in a somewhat permanent sense.

No, I'm not talking about the kind of eternal love you feel for your family, or your friends, or perhaps your favorite Aspen tree out in the yard.

I mean the romantic kind of love, that kind of love which makes you catch your breath as your heart skips a beat.

Love that causes you to forget to eat when you're hungry.

Love that prompts you to imagine a special someone when you hear a certain song on your iPod.

Love that makes you sigh as you rest your head on your buckwheat-hull pillow at night.

Love that causes you to gaze up at the moon and the stars, and to think of the wonder of it all.

What happens to us when we fall in love? An endorphin rush? Something more? A collision of molecules? A melding of minds? A fusion of souls?

And what happens to us when we lose that love? Do we lose a piece of ourselves? What if a big enough piece of us will not be left to keep going? What happens then? Do we fade away into nothingness? Do we wander around like an empty shell of a person, mumbling to ourselves? Or do we pretend like we're okay, that we don't really need love to feel like a human?

I have lost love before. More times than I would like to admit. Sometimes I console myself, thinking "it must not have been REAL love, since it didn't last...." But I'm not fooled. I can't forget.

This time when I lost love, I think I feel it even more deeply than the last time I lost love. This time is different. This time, love just disappeared. This was not simple love. This was complicated love. The kind where we had "Implied Dates" and "Plans for the Future". Plans like going to Asheville for a winter holiday. And going camping at Rocky Knob. One day he called and wanted to meet me for dinner. I had already agreed to meet a girlfriend of mine that evening for dinner, so I politely declined. "I love you," we said to one another. I haven't heard from him since then. I have called. I have texted. I have emailed. Not like a crazy woman, mind you, but just a couple of times over the last month. My mother suggested I check the obituaries in the newspaper. "What," I asked? "Are you nuts?!" The funny thing is, I actually did. Every day since that day, I have pulled out the obituary pages and I have looked, just to make sure.

Yes, this time is different. This time, I have no sense of closure. Nothing really culminated into "The End". So, here I am. Sipping my coffee. The newspaper lies open, waiting for me to read it. This time, I reach for the comics instead of the obituaries.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Conflagration


The raging fire, tinder a-blaze, burns itself down to the last glowing embers, before fading finally into cold ashes....leaving nothing behind but a mournful memory of what once was, what will now never be.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Cardamom & Cranberries


Sunday morning....my favorite morning of the week. I awaken naturally with the sunrise, without having to fret over setting an alarm clock. The glow of sunlight gently peeks between the slats of the old Venetian blinds, an accompaniment of birdsong softly rises from the tulip tree below the window. I close my eyes and quietly listen to the melody; I discern the trill of a mockingbird, two cheerful chickadees, and a jubilant male cardinal. I love the respectful way in which birds display their appreciation of the dawn. A gift of joyous song in exchange for a gift of sunlight....

As I rise up amidst my sea of twisted sheets and soft covers, I think to myself, "In what way should a human show appreciation for the gift of a new day?" I stand up, stretching and yawning, reaching up toward the ceiling with my arms. A loud "pop!" echoes through the room as my left shoulder prompts me with a reminder of my childhood days spent climbing trees. When is the last time I climbed a tree? I try to remember....last spring? Wow, I really need to find a good tree for climbing. I love the perspective from a perch in the uppermost branches of a tree, the feeling of the wind rustling through the leaves, the gentle swaying of the limbs. Even the occasional scrape from the rough bark of the tree reminds me that I am alive.

After a hot bath, I quickly dress and pile my tangled mess of curls onto the back of my head, securing them with a smoothly carved stick. I plod down the squeaky wooden stairs, turn the corner and walk into the kitchen. Removing a saucepan from the cabinet, a metal lid clangs onto the floor. So much for being quiet! From upstairs comes, "Mama?! Is that you?" I giggle, knowing that Mason has been waiting to hear a clue that I'm making breakfast. "Yes," I answer, "would you like some oatmeal?"

A rapid flurry of footsteps flutters down the stairs, and two seconds later, Mason stands beside me at the pantry. His cherubic little face reveals dimples on either cheek, halo of golden curls in disarray atop his head, dark brown eyes sparkling with the anticipation of his favorite meal. "Are you gonna put the cardamom in there? And the cream, Mama?" I smile, and finish gathering the items from the pantry. "Yes, Mason, I will make it just like I always do. But in mine, I think I'm going to put some dried cranberries today. Would you like some in your oatmeal?"

Mason folds his face in thought, then crinkles up his nose in disgust. Typical of many children, he does not readily try new things without a little prodding first. "Mason, part of being a human is the willingness to try new things, to keep an open mind. When you are unwilling to try new things, you become stagnant."

I can tell immediately that he is concerned with what I just said. "Mama, what is 'stagnant'?"

"To 'stagnate' means to stop growing, to become stuck in old habits and thinking patterns. Being 'stagnant' is what happens to people when they do not wish to learn or gain new experiences," I reply. "It is a very sad thing."

A brief shadow crosses Mason's face, then a little smirk dances at the corners of his mouth, eyes gleaming with mischief. "I know someone who is stagnant!", he exclaims. "My Dad!"

I know this snippet of conversation will probably cause strife for me in the near future, when my former husband finds out that he is 'stagnant'. Still, I think that Mason learned a valuable lesson about life. Perhaps that is how a human shows appreciation for the gift of a new day? Smiling, I sprinkle a handful of dried cranberries into Mason's steaming bowl of oatmeal.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

A Moment in the Meadow


"Let's go for a walk," he suggests as we sit on the couch. Anxious to see more of the rapidly changing autumn foliage, I agree and eagerly slide my toes back into my shoes.

"Are you sure you want to wear those?", he asks, pointing to my flip-flops. Nodding, I know that navigation of the hilly terrain will be much less difficult if I go put on my Merrells, but I am not yet ready to imprison my feet in real shoes while the weather is so mild. Pulling open the squeaky door of the cabin, we step out into the fading evening light. Though it is nearing mid-October, I can still hear a partial chorus of frogs on either side of the nearby river. From this side of the hill, the sinking sun is not visible, but we can see the tops of the trees bathed in golden light. The timberline along the river takes on an ethereal glow, a thin veil of mist rises from the gilded grasses below.

Hand in hand, we make our descent from the cabin down the hill towards the river. "I just cleared all of this last week," he makes a sweeping motion to indicate where he has carefully trimmed back the overgrowth of lush vegetation. I smile, appreciative of the many things he does which benefit others.

A few more strides, and we reach the path beside the water. Though leaves colored of amber and bronze have already fallen to the ground, the grass beneath is still vibrant and green. Our footsteps disturb the drying leaves, revealing tiny crimson leaves which are strewn about in unexpected places. We stop at the edge of the riverbank, the sounds of water surrounding us.

"The river is so shallow here, more so than when I was a kid." He explains that there was a flood awhile back, and when the river exceeded its banks, the overall depth decreased and the river remained wide thereafter. It occurs to me how life can be like a river, too. Sometimes our lives seem to change courses rather unexpectedly, as when a river exceeds its banks.

"It's beautiful where you can see the smooth river stones beneath the surface of the water," I remark. I am mesmerized by the effect of the river, how it conveys bits of debris in its gentle current, a synchronized swirl of brightly colored leaves amidst sparkling bubbles, all floating in unison to an unseen destination. Life feels to me like this. We float toward our fates, not knowing what the future may hold. My thoughts return to one of the songs that he has written. Since I heard him sing it a few weeks ago, his words still echo in my mind, "...most of the time you don't see love a-comin...." I turn to see him standing beside me, and I know that fate is smiling upon me.

Stepping around a scattering of delicate blue asters, we make our way back to the path. Noticing the coolness that has crept into the evening, I am content to cling to his warm muscular arm as we walk. As we continue down the path, he points out various hidden cabins upon the hillside, homes belonging to the friends he's known since childhood. "You are so lucky to have grown up in such hidden beauty, this special place," I observe. "I know," he confesses. His eyes reveal his thoughts about how he had to reach adulthood before he could fully appreciate his experiences in early life. Indeed, this is true for most of us. Time is an excellent teacher, though we are sometimes willful students.

As I silently admonish myself for wearing inappropriate shoes, we begin our ascent up the hill in the direction of the soft sunlight. The voice of the river gradually diminishes as we turn the corner on the path. A well-hidden deer chides us with a snort, and we watch as she sprints ahead of us toward the upper meadow. Through the dense trees, the outline of the deer is faintly visible. Stopping, we stand very still to watch her, wondering how long it will be before she breaks into a run again. The deer casts a cautious glance behind her, and a small speckled fawn soon appears. Together, they bound forth and disappear into the underbrush, the sound of their hooves fading quickly away.

The path opens into a wide expanse, and the trees lining either side have become larger with more space between them. Continuing our climb, the golden meadow upon the hilltop slides into sight. Still hand in hand, we reach the crest of the meadow. Slowly sinking down, we settle comfortably into the cool grass beside one another. The faintest scent of pine rises from his skin, a lingering reminder of his work from earlier in the day. The sky above us is still a brilliant blue, and fragments of white clouds swim in its azure depths. Toward the horizon, the ripples of clouds have taken on a pale purple hue, swirls of orange curling between them like the kiss of a flame. We watch, enraptured as the evening glow intensifies, a liquid fire set ablaze amongst the clouds.

"How many people are missing this beautiful sunset? Think of all the people who are sitting inside, watching television, when they could be seeing this," he states. Once again, I'm amazed at how he seems to read my thoughts and form them into words before I do. "People get too busy with life, and they forget how to enjoy the simple things," I whisper as I gently kiss his fingertips. There is nowhere I would rather be than right here in this meadow, in this moment, with him.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Time Well Spent


Lifetimes long past when once we met,

Decades beyond, and now a century~

Thy soul, thy heart, never did I forget.

Thine eyes engraved in my memory.

My skin still simmers to thy touch.

Into thine arms I long to rush!

A more blessed fate there could not be

Than for me to spend eternity with thee.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

In Vino Veritas


They walk together, out of the shadows of the twisted grapevine and into the silver moonlight, their footsteps echoing beside the old stone wall. His fingers gently envelope her hand, his warmth upon her cool skin. Quiet thoughts glimmer like starlight, subtle reflections in his luminous eyes. They stop walking just as a cloud covers the moon. Turning slowly to face her, he grasps her hands and draws a deep breath. She waits to hear what he will say, but the unspoken words curl upwards in a wisp of vapor as he exhales. The moon reappears from behind the cloud, bathing their faces in a soft glow while nearby crickets resume their melodic chorus. A playful laugh escapes her lips, and he realizes that she already knew what he wanted to say....

Reflections of Autumn


A mourning dove calls out across the silver mist of dawn.

The glow of the rising sun melts a window in the fog, revealing indigo mountains in the distance.

Creeping vines stir with a shimmer of light~ the autumn breeze awakening scarlet memories of summer, now passed.

As I step out into the sunlight, a slight wind rises, lifting the warm cascade of curls from the nape of my neck.

I shiver, reminded that the silence of winter will soon lie down in the valley.

A vision of you plays now upon my mind. Smiling, I am warm again.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

The Red Suitcase


After having lunch with a friend of mine today, I splashed my way across the rain puddles between the Mexican restaurant and the car. Along the flooded sidewalk, an unusual sight caught my attention. There was a young man, probably in his early twenties, walking purposefully as he was pelted with cold droplets from the gray clouds. Behind him, he rolled a dripping red suitcase. From whence he came, I could not discern; his clothes were saturated and his hair was clinging to his head in a way which gave him a non-human appearance. Intrigued with watching his progress, I sat quietly in the car. What possessions might he have in the red suitcase he pulls? After awhile, the young man stopped walking. He let go of the red suitcase, and it wobbled briefly before finally toppling over onto the wet sidewalk. He lifted his face skyward, letting the rain fall into his eyes and mouth, down his neck and across his chest. He remained in that position for some time, eyes transfixed on infinity above us. A few moments passed, and I continued to watch as he took a step forward, abandoning the red suitcase on the sidewalk. At first, I thought it was strange that he left the red suitcase there. Suddenly, it occurred to me that perhaps he had no possessions in that red suitcase at all. Perhaps what he had been carrying in the red suitcase were his fears and doubts, his worries and regrets. I began to realize that the scene I had witnessed in the rain was not an act of quiet desperation, but rather, a metamorphosis. Seeing this transformation was undoubtedly a teaching from the universe. Today, on my birthday, I decided to abandon my own red suitcase!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Safe Haven


The moon hath waned and ebbed the tide,

Still thou searchest, far and wide.

Dark the sky and black the night,

No stars upon which to rest thy sight.

Cometh thou upon my shore?

Harbor thy soul, and wander no more.

Hearken thee, the words I speak~

Open thy heart for what thou seeks.

I offer thee my gentle hand,

Trade thine oars for verdant land.

Rest thy head now in my arms,

Safe thou be from further harm.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Passing

Pages in thy book of life
Thou hath turned in strife~
What hast thou gained?
Knowest thou now only pain?
Thou yielded up thy body to thy grave,
Thy heart, thy soul, I could not save.
E'er more shall I mourn for thee,
And yet I curse thee for thy destiny.

untitled

Hours I spend waiting,
Always waiting for thee,
And dost thou not now wait for me?
Hence thou lookest, now I am free~
No more shall I wait for thee!
Thy tears may keep thee company.

Betrayal

What lies inside?
What lies thou keepest inside?
I can see behind thine eyes
The lies thou seek to hide.
Hide and seek,
And turn thy cheek.
Whispers spoken in lust or love,
Careless thoughts thou thinkest of.
Shadow of thy soul,
Shadow upon thy soul.
Darkness grows,
And darkness knows.
Truth at last revealed,
Now pain my heart conceals.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Pearls


Echoed whispers fade,
Memories dim in shadow.
My heart, a lustful labyrinth
Thou dare not seek to know.

Time's eternal essence
Enshrouds my past regrets.
Wisdom born of lessons learned,
And yet I still forget....

Shimmering in the sunlight,
Hopes are strung as pearls.
Lingering taste of tears
As the glow of day unfurls.

Friday, June 8, 2007

And Love Remains



Thy gentle soul long have i known,
Ere thy countenance was shown.
The voice of thy heart upon my mind
Before thy lips spaketh my name.
Light of thine eyes still glows the same!
Again our lives have intertwined.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Twilight


pearlescent pallor of the sky
reflects the lightness in my soul.
sapphire mountains shrouded in mist
encircle me with their embrace.

shy twilight touches the meadow~
shadows stretching, pulling past me.
bashful breezes caress my skin,
my eyes close to catch their whispers.

lullaby of the whip-poor-will
becomes the ballad of my heart.
glittering gems on black canvas~
sprinkle of stars across the night.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Early Morning (with oil by Moritz von Schwind)


Yon light of dawn seeketh mine eyes
To hasten me from slumber.
The foremost thought upon my mind
In the glo of day tis thee!

Ere long I ponder thus:
Hast thou spaketh my name
In thy fervent dreams?
My soul shall verily harken to thee...

Friday, May 4, 2007

Surreal Sunrise


Silent stillness, serene
As leafless limbs scrape the sky.

Slender silhouettes gather the glow,
Amber aura ~ a peaceful progression of light
Across the indigo mountains.

Morning mist mingles with crisp coolness
While a whisper of wings awakens
With echoes all around.

The soft trill of songbirds greets the rising sun.

A moss-covered path lies ahead, yet untrodden.

Restless wanderer, a soul without a home~
Set foot upon the path, journey to a destiny unknown.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Sunset of Yesterday


scarlet sunset slips from sight,
lingering garnet-glow upon the clouds.

peaceful mountains roll upwards to the sky,
twilight tumbles softly down the slopes.

whispering water wanders on,
searching for the sea.